My Village

The old adage that it takes a village to raise a child may not be true, but it is certainly a gift if you have it. After 11 years overseas, we have finally found our village. Our condo Dairy Farm Estate (sometimes called the "Farm") has a great blend of local and expat families. Lots of teachers and just good people. Over the last 3 years here I have forged friendships that I know will last a lifetime, they just will. Tonight I am off to attend a "book club" which is really an excuse to pretend we read, but I really did read this book and have a few laughs food and drink with these friends. One of the kids buddies just left after spending the afternoon playing at our house.

"Farm" Kids at the Lion Dance

I have been lucky enough to befriend Lisa and Sara-Jane. Karen, is our Julie McCoy planning activities for us as a group,. I could name them all, but they are just all part of this big huge group of people that I have come to appreciate more than I can say. This a group of loosely connected people, around 10 families, that do things together on a semi-regular basis. Our kids all hang out together and it is not unusual to find a group of us at the pool on a Sunday morning.

The Lions and kids trying to "steal" the Oranges in their mouths.

This group is wonderful, I feel comfortable leaving the kids with any of them, I feel like their kids are an extended family. None of us feels shy about bringing a kid in line if needed, or bandage a skinned knee and offer a hug when needed. The houses are almost always open, with kids running in and out. Sleep overs are common and even the young teens like to hang out with the littler kids (7-8). There is never an issue if SJ needs to have us watch her kids for a few hours, or if my kids are up at Lisa's while we run errands. Sure we gossip a bit, but we worry too. We miss those who move away and enjoy it when they return. This is really my village.

Last weekend the Farm's management committee had scheduled a lion dance for the Chinese New Year holiday and it was a great gathering of Farmies (my newly coined name for the group). Probably around 100 people gathered to watch the dance and enjoy the celebration, despite the 38 degree heat (that's 100 to those metrically challenged) and 99% humidity.

The next day we all piled into cars and set off for Sentosa beach for a relaxing morning by the Sea. All organized by our resident cruise director Karen "Julie McCoy" McD as part of her "birthday" weekend. There were about 7 families all in attendance.

There were so many kids and parents that it made the beach a real joy for all of us. Cara and I were able to walk and get a cup of coffee, leaving the kids in the care of our spouses. Karen needed to run a kid to the bathroom and was able to leave the other with us while we watched. Lisa brought her cousin "Vinnie" and we all played in the water, ate snacks and enjoyed the morning.

One of the hardest parts of returning back to the States (which we are not planning on doing soon, but will someday) will be leaving this village, but that is sometimes part and parcel of the Expat life. Leaving and moving come with the territory, knowing that makes this group even more special as we all recognize the fact that we all may leave soon. While it may not take a village, having this one has enriched my life in so many ways.

Family-Parenting

When I first found myself pregnant with Declan, I knew what kind of parent I wanted to be. I still want to be that kind of parent. I don't get there all the time, I try, but I have some of my own issues that keep butting into my goal to be kind and gentle. I tend to be grumpy, short, quick to anger and patience, well it may be a virtue, but one I really struggle with. I look at all of the blogs were it seems that every one is a perfect parent, the kids are creative and do all sorts of artsy things. The kids eat 100% organic foods and would never touch a packet of Kraft mac and cheese, even if offered. Coke and cookies are unheard of in the home, it is organic arrowroot crackers and homemade lemon water. And the kids are perfect.

But, they aren't. The mothers aren't. While the blogs are lovely, they don't always reflect real life (which is one reason I love the Pioneer Woman, her kids seem to be pretty real life to me as the wallow in muck and mud, just look at her fridge in this post and you will see what I mean). I have friends who throw down terms like active parenting and organic lifestyles. They ban all processed food from their homes, but I know as soon as those kids hit the neighbors the first thing into the mouth is an oreo or a glass of rootbeer. I know these mom's get upset and angry, I have even seen some of them lose their temper. I guess when it happens I have to sit back and smile, a bit of schadenfreude I know, but I already told you I have issues! But the point here is that I know that as much as I do have work to become a better parent, I need to temper myself and my emotions, I have done Okay so far.

My basic philosophy is first and foremost to raise gentle and kind kids. Kids that appreciate the things that they have to share with others, to take note of what they see, to eat well and healthful. To be thankful for the world and the opportunities they have been given. To understand that by the grace of God, or the luck of the karmic draw, they have been born into an upper middle class family that is educated and has opportunities as a result of that status. Elitist, no, just realistic. I know that the kids have a better chance statistically of being educated and upper middle class because we are.

So, week before last in a situation of a very bad, horrible no good day, I flew to KL for a business meeting that unbeknownst to me was cancelled (or I wasn't registered) what ever. I was tired, cranky, suffering from Jet Lag. I called home to bitch at the situation with Jeff and talk to the kids to just get some touchstone back home. I was told by Delcan, that he had purchased me a gift while on a school field trip. He bought his sister one too. Not because he was told to, but because he is a kind, gentle and giving boy, minus those times he is on Wii.

I came home to this boy and this gift. Guess while my house may be a mess, I travel too much and I lose my temper way too fast, I must have done something right. All parents question the ability to parent. we all question if we are doing it right, if you have kids that love you, you are doing something right too!

Re-thinking

The hardest part of returning home from vacation for me has been to get out of the vacation and I can go to target mindset. I love Target, I had a real struggle being in the US because it was so EASY to go to Target... and the shiny baubles just screamed BUY ME!

Now, I think I did pretty well and only fell off the wagon for myself by the way of a couple of magazines and shirts, it is the coming back to Singapore and NOT SHOPPING that has been harder. I have signed the contract for my book deal and so now the "excuse" is I can use this scrapbook supply for the book. I will use the paper and embellishments I am sure, they are Asian themed and appropriate. I have been doing a fair amount of scrapbooking. But I should be focusing on the writing portion, I should be using the supplies I ALREADY HAVE and those I PURCHASED in America for that reason.

Shopping has become such an ingrained portion of our culture both here in Singapore as well as in the States it is hard to break out of that rut. Jeff had 350 dollars worth of gift certificates from Takashamaya department store that he wanted to use. He went down and bought some shoes.... and I chose not to go into the store with him. He then bought a paring knife and some wine glasses (which I didn't think we needed, but it is his money)... and still had 100 dollars left over. I don't want to see him buy stuff we don't need or want, but he feels obligated to use the certificates. I don't know, maybe we will "regift" them.

Today is the County Fair at the Singapore American School. They have a huge used book sale so I may go find some books that I would like to read, buying used is within the Compact pledge. Other goals for the weekend are to finish my invoice for both work and the book and get some money into the account so that I can do some budgeting. We are back to one income for a while and have to prepare for Declan's tuition again.

Finally, on a parenting note, Declan has been evaluated for additional resource services at the American School. I don't know what they have determined to be his deficiencies yet so we meet next week with all of the counselors. I am torn, I don't want to deny his need for additional assistance, but I worry that he will be labeled.... I guess we just have to wait and see what happens. The next decision is whether to hold him back in Kindergarten one more year... and have him start 1st grade a year later or push him on. More on that after our meeting next week.

Stuff out the door.

Today I am purging more stuff. getting rid of a few things that have been sitting around our very small apartment.

Today, someone is going to come pick up the bed rail that we had for the kids. They are bigger now and don't need a bedrail. I am also listing my old artifical Christmas Tree on Freecycle. I imagine it will be picked up soon.

I need to also take a look at the Kids stuff and see what else can go. We have so much kids stuff... it is almost a shame to see stuff hardly worn, maybe I should try to sell some on Ebay Singapore... make a few dollars? Hum, it is a thought no? Get rid of some of the stuff I don't need and earn a few bukaroos on the side!

Declan is doing well with his new smile. He took his tooth fairy money and got himself a Thumper (from Thomas the train) at our "Good" toy store. While this is techincally a purchase, as I said from the start, the kids were not held to the same standard and this is money he he was given as a gift from the tooth fairy. In one way it is kind of fun to watch him look at this money and try to chose a train. He knew he had $10 but how to equate that to the toys on the wall he wasn't quite sure yet. Hey, he is only 5... but he would pick up two toys (the trains Ben and Bill) and I told him he didn't have enough money he could only get one. Either Bill or Ben. That made him think, the next train he picked up was a big engine with a coal car. Again, more than his budget by a long shot (Wooden toys are a bit spendy here) so we talked about the fact that the little trains would probably be cheaper and he could find one he liked. Well, once he found Thumper he was happy. He has wanted Thumper since this summer but the store did not carry it. They must have gotten a few in for Christmas, so this was a treat!

So, now it is back to normal around here, Mommy is adjusting to the fact that her son has a gap toothed smile, Declan is doing well without his teeth and I am working hard on books, Christmas gifts, organizing and all that my normal routine covers.