Thursday, October 30, 2008

letting go

When I write this blog I often focus on the financial side of my simple journey. What I don't focus on is the soft side, the side of Simplicity that I really probably most need. That is living for the moment, in the moment. Being at peace. rejoicing in the moment, not getting worked up about what will happen, or if it is fair, or who did the lion's share of the work last night and who read the paper. (just keeping it real here). I pray for peace. Peace for myself first for I do believe if I am not at peace then how can I work for peace with others?

Letting go of Christmas (the cat not the holiday) is a good example of this lesson.

Christmas was our stray cat found at our old condo a year after we moved to Singapore. She was a 6 month old kitten, hungry and skinny but approachable and very loving. From the first time we saw her and took food downstairs to her, to the following two days where we watched her (to make sure she didn't belong to someone) she worked her way into our hearts. We brought her home the next day, took her to the vet to have her checked out and cleaned up and let her into our lives. It was fun having a kitten around the house. She caught any stray bug or lizard that worked its way into our house (and at our current Condo on the ground floor that included a bird). She was all cat and all play. Christmas was not the kind of cat that withheld affection. She was all about love all the time. Finding her on Sunday, broken and battered, near death was excruciating. She was silent, until Jeff and I saw her and called her name, at which point she started to cry. It killed me.

Jeff took her to the Vet and they did all they could but the real choice was known when we first saw her, we would have to let her go. The rest of the day was one filled with what happened, did we fail her, did we not hear her get hurt, could we have saved her if we found her earlier? What did we do wrong? These thoughts circled my brain and I know Jeff did the same. The truth is, nothing short of keeping her locked in the house would have protected her. Nothing we could have done would have made a difference. Christmas was an outdoor loving kitty, she loved being able to sit in the grass and watch the world go by. She loved chasing lizards and bugs, she loved just sitting on the edge of the patio and taking charge of her world. This was a horrible tragic accident and it was just that, an accident. There was nothing I could have done.

So, I now struggle with letting go. Not letting go of the great fun memories of my little kitten. Not letting go that Christmas had a better three years of life with us than she would have had as a stray. Not letting go of the fact that she brought love and joy to me and my family. But letting go of the pain. Letting go of the doubts and misgivings we had about our responsibility for her death, letting go of the tears, letting go of the negative thoughts.

Living life fully, for me, means feeling the pain, understanding that it hurts and then letting it go. Living in the moment means knowing that holding onto the pain doesn't make me a martyr, doesn't make me better than you, doesn't make my life richer.

Living fully means rejoicing in her life. remembering the joy. being with her in spirit. memorializing her life. That is about now. that is about love. that is peace.

An Oprah quote for the day

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

1 comment:

Catz said...

What a beautiful post! I have a lump in my throat reading this! (((hugs))) She was such a beautiful little cat and lucky to have you in her life. Enjoy the happy memories, they will stay with you forever!

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